My Life as a Circus Freak

How to Make a Cheap and Cheerful Dress Makers Dummy!!

2008-02-09T12:34:22Z

Because I feel like being helpful tonight:

*Note* Please excuse the crappy photos and the glasses, I ran out of contacts and haven't gotten around to ordering more >.<

Let's start with materials...

I got everything at Wal-Mart, total was $10.50. Although I ran out of tape. Since I bought the pretty Pink tape it comes on a smaller roll than your typical silver duct tape.

I would recommend buying the cheap silver and then doing the last layer in colored to achieve the same look.

I would recommend even *more* instead of Duck Tape, buying the brown packing tape that requires water to activate the glue. It gives a paper mache like finished product, which is a little nicer and you can pin to it. (I was planning on using this but for some reason Wal-Mart didn't have it)

Since I wasn't using the Brown Paper Tape like I wanted I decided not to waste a perfectly good t-shirt and (with my neighbor Dave's help) I wrapped myself in plastic wrap so the tape wouldn't stick to my skin (ouch!).

We just started wrapping from the bottom and since it sticks to it self we covered my shoulders and chest with smaller pieces.

Since I originally wanted to have kind of a caped sleeve we started at the bottom so we could do a few (3) layers being able to lift my arms to get underneath and then go back and do the chest and shoulders. Unfortunately, I realized I didn't have enough tape at this point so I nixed the cap sleeve idea.

Once your done taping, have someone *VERY* carefully cut straight up the back so you can get out of it. Take some tape and tape up the back so that it's solid again.

*IMPORTANT* Have some water standing by and make sure your place isn't too hot. I actually felt like I couldn't breathe and was going to pass out once it got around and above my chest (since you need it fairly snug to get the right size). Have a pair of scissors handy just in case you have a freak out and need a quick exit.

To make the base, I took the toilet brush caddy (sans the brush) and the mop and stuffed it into where the brush head is supposed to go (check close up). The mop head is great because it takes up the extra room and gives it a little support. To hold it in place, take strips of tape and starting about 6 to 8 inches from the base, wrap the tape around the handle a couple of times and then straight down onto the caddy. Do this several times for support. Make sure that it can stand on it's own before you stop taping. I had to use clear tape so it's kind of hard to see.

To attach the Body form to the base handle (Note:I'm 5'7" and as is this was pretty much the perfect height, depending on your high you may want to tape the hanger lower or get some card board or wood to add height.) Take the hanger and break of the curved part (SAVE IT), then break it at one of the 3 corners (easiest just to break it at the top). Theres a hole on the top of the mops handle, slip the hanger through the hole (might take a little work), move it around so the bottom is through the hole and tape in place (if your making it shorter ignore this and just tape the hanger as is at whatever height you need). Tape the broken part back together. Take the curved part that you broke off and tape it upside down as a brace (see photo).

You can then slip the body form up from the bottom or you can slip it over the top before you tape the hanger on (might be a little easier to get the form on but makes taping slightly more difficult).

At this point I recommend stuffing it, carefully so as not to distort the shape. Run some more tape across the bottom so it doesn't fall out.

Mine seems fine when on solid ground and to some degree on carpet, but to add some weight and stability to the bottom so it can stand better, try taping (or gluing) it to a cheap (but not paper or plastic) plate. That'll add weight and a larger base so it should tip over.

The great this is, it's pretty easy to change out the body form (for different people?) and still have a really usable base. And it's cheaper than PVC pipe and plywood.

There you good, it won't hold up a wedding dress but for sun dresses or skirts or something lighter you can't beat this method.

Cheap and Cheerful!!

Fuck You God....Fuck You

2007-08-12T01:50:19Z

Today was supposed to be a really great day. It was beautiful out, I have my new hair and Chris got paid yesterday so I was going to go down to UTC, do a little shopping and see the "Bodies" exhibit. Figured afterward come home go for a swim, maybe BBQ, maybe go out. It was supposed to be a good day.....

Then my phone rang.....

It was my mom calling to tell me that my Grandma has Cancer. My mom said that the prognosis looks good, that she'll have chemo for 3 months and then they'll operate and then more chemo, although to be honest I wouldn't put it past my mom to lie to me about it. I don't want to call my Grandma and ask for obvious reasons, my aunt is up there with her now, I think I'll call her when she gets home and ask.

Thing is, even if the Dr's think the prognosis is good I'm not sure it'll matter. My mom didn't say it but she knows as well as I do......No one in our family has *ever* survived Cancer.

This time that's not a happy scribble.....it's an angry one....

.....I just became to Disgusted to Finish my Lunch.......

2007-08-01T20:03:33Z

Ok, well not really, but almost, if I hadn't been eating Jack in the Box I might not have. Apparently, there's no age that's too young to start the political indoctrination. There are new children's books written by both political parties, "Help! Mommy! There are Liberals under my Bed" for the republicans and "Why Mommy is a Democrat" for the democrats.

Let me just say.......ARE YOU MOTHER FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!

They're kids, they're like 5 years old? Isn't this just a little insane (and not to mention *very* badly written). How many elementary age children actually understand (I mean actually understand, not just know they're different) what the political parties stand for or the differences between them. What ever happened to allowing children to grow up and find themselves by them selves? Politics is disgusting as it is, but this really is a new low. The writers of the books defend themselves by saying that it's up to the parents to pick and choose what they're young kids are reading.

Like that makes what they're doing ok......there's just so much wrong with this....I'm just going to stop there, really don't want to get going on this or I'll never stop......

.....Apparently, emoticons are just as ground breaking and important as the above or the war ( ::coughcoughBULLSHITcoughcough:: or other international affairs. Today is the 25th anniversary of emoticons which has just been reported on the 12 o'clock Headline news........

The very serious news anchor woman again on Headline News just wished me a "Happy Hump Day".....

........What is happening to the world......correction, what the hell is wrong with America?

Why can't I get the BBC on my digital cable?

Once Again, that's an Excited Scribble, not an Angry one

2007-07-25T21:27:46Z

So, Chris' new monitor is actually *too* big. It's so big that all the movies we've downloaded don't fit on the screen, for some reason when we full screen one it gets all these lines in it and shit. I'm watching "At World's End" right now on half the screen and typing this on the other half^^ I was using my laptop right next to the monitor earlier and it has a much better picture than mine does ;.; I was hoping that my camera would get here today but no such luck, it's not like it's coming from that far away.

Tonight is preview night, I'm more or less just going to pick up my badge since I'll have more than enough time to walk around over the rest of the Con. I've managed to put together a couple of costumes with clothing and costumes pieces I had about the apartment. I've managed a pirate and a Hogwort's student. I'd been thinking of doing a female version of Jack Sparrow, although the colors I have right now aren't quite right for it but I guess for now I can't just be the sexy nameless pirate. My Hogworts won't be the best either, I'm using my old graduation gown for the robes, and I have to do the 5th movie costume version since I have black skirt and sweater instead of grey. I've also been thinking I have this old white sheet from college that I could fashion into one of the dresses that the Queen wears in 300. It has a few stops where my rabbit chewed through it and it's cotton instead of the same fabric as in the movie but I guess it's the best I can do on pretty much zero budget and no time.

They're pressure washing our building so we have to keep our windows closed for two days and even with our two fans it's getting hot as hell in here. I wish I could go out to the pool but again they're pressure washing, that and I haven't shaved and I need to get ready to go later tonight. Blah.....It's just too fucking hot.....And loud as fuck......

Yay, here comes Jack's father!!! Hehe....Sea turtles mate.....Although I do have one question, is Jack's father immortal? I've always wonder because of the one line he says to Jack about how it's not living for ever it's living with yourself for ever.

Anyway, I suppose I should probably go although, it's only 2:30pm and preview night doesn't actually start until 6pm. There starting to give out the badges at 4pm but I don't really want to wait forever in line so I'm wondering if it would be worth it to just wait a while and let the crowd die down a bit before I go. At the very least I'm going to finish this movie.

It's strange how easily I'm made happy....

2007-07-24T17:56:15Z

I've just been informed that the *****FUCKING BLACK PEARL***** has just arrived at Comic Con on a flat bed truck. Now I'm going to have to wear the wanna be pirate costume I've thrown together. I'm really quite bouncy over this. I was on a forum last night and was reading a few post when I came across one concerning Comic Con (ironically enough written by an old friend of mine from high school, Kristina), she was complaining about how Con never informed the public that they were limiting the 4 days passes and had no idea what the 3 day passes where about. She was upset because she hadn't bought one and they ran out a few weeks ago and Saturday is sold out completely, no at the door passes will be sold at all. Well, although considering who wrote it I shouldn't be surprised, but it was all over the Comic Con website about how because of last year they were limiting, even I knew. Her whole thing was that she shouldn't be expected to check the Con website everyday.

How the hell else do you expect to get information about the Con? It's not like they run commercials (or at least very rarely). Plus it's been up for *weeks* about the passes and the 3 day is meant to be a cheaper alternative to people who skip Saturday anyway because of the *FREAKISHLY* large crowds or for people who still want to go the majority of the days but missed out on the 4-day.

*sigh* Stupidity bothers me....I'm going to play DDR........

::continued:: So apparently Drew Carrey is taking over the Price is right. I don't know how I feel about this, I mean yeah, he's funny as hell, but I just don't know if he fits with the Price is Right. I mean, Bob Barker isn't exactly a comedian.

It kind of sucks, I just realized that I'm going to have to go to Con late on Thursday. Chris bought me a really kick ass new camera (Casio Exlim 10.1 mega pixel, and it's a pretty blue, he flat out refused to get me the pink one;.;) He bought himself a monitor at the same time which arrived yesterday and we expected the camera to be shipped at the same time in the same box. They weren't and the camera isn't getting here until Thursday morning. And I have to sign for it, on the plus side I'll have it for Con but it still kind of pisses me off. He paid for rush processing and everything last week and they didn't even ship it until yesterday.

I'm *STILL* waiting for Chris to finish reading Harry Potter, he's taking he sweet damn time with it. I keep threatening to give him spoilers if he doesn't finish soon. I had to kick him out of the apartment last night because we were watching a show that was doing a story on it with spoilers.

..........Jerry Springer needs to be removed from the airwaves completely.....His topic for the show is "I'm not Gay" although the guy he's got on there now is *EXTREMELY* gay and admits it. Like I'm almost wondering if this is an act, I mean there's no way any one is THAT gay.....I mean.....really.....it has to be an act.

It's like a train wreck, I just can't look away............................

I think it's Time for me to Stop Pretending I'm not a Freakishly Large Nerd.....

2007-07-21T03:26:18Z

It dawned on me as I waited in line at Borders for two hours to get my wrist band for the Harry Potter release party tonight. Once I get their, they'll call us up group by group (Luckily I'm in the first group) and then we get to wait in line AGAIN to actually get the book. I really wanted to dress up (again another reason I'm giving up fighting the nerdy-ness) but I just didn't have time....well that and Chris wouldn't give me any extra money to get what I would need. He is paying for me to go to Con so I guess I can deal.

I'm excited about getting the finally book, I have a few theories about what's going to happen. I really do think she's going to kill Harry, I've heard that she doesn't want others taking up the story where she left off, but I also give it a very good chance that she'll let him live. I think Ginny and Nevile are going to become a full couple and so will Ron and Hermione. I also agree with others who say that Snape's as good as dead, and I think Malfoy too. I have a pet theory that Fawkes will become Harry Phoenix since Dumbledore is gone.

I've heard a couple of people say that Nevile will turn out to be the child of the prophecy but that can't be since part of the prophecy was that the "Dark Lord will mark him as his equal" and since he went after Harry marking him (remember the scar) it can't be Nevile. Anyway, that's just a couple of ideas I have, there are a few more but I'll leave them for now.

Anyway, I need to get going, I'm hungry and the party starts at 9pm. Plus I think I need to stop downtown on my way because Chris forgot his phone charger, although I have *NO* idea how I'm supposed to get it to him since all I have is an address and parking won't be possible because of the baseball game. I can't call him to come out and get it because his phone is off. Not to mention, I'm not sure how to get there because they have some of the roads closed. So if I can't get ahold of him I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I'm not going to go down there and just drive around for two hours looking for parking or pay $18-$20 to drop this damn thing off. I feel kind of bad about it but he turns 22 in a week and a half, he should be able to remember to plug his damn phone in.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!!!!!

2007-07-19T04:39:53Z

Hooray!!! I get to go to Comic Con!! I finally talked Chris in to letting me go and I just bought my badge online, although they were sold out of the 4 day pass I did manage to get a three day one. Yeah, I'll miss Saturday but as much as I'd like to go, it's always a mad house and a pain in the ass though so I'm ok with it.

The icon is a happy scribble, even if it looks angry^^

I'd like to cosplay but I dunno if I'll finish my costume in time. Anyway, yeah, don't really have much to say, I'm just excited. ♥

Ok, so maybe he isn't all THAT bad.....

2007-07-12T17:37:39Z

Really, maybe Chris isn't the worst excuse for a man on the planet^^ So yesterday he got off work early (that is to say he got off on time which has now become early). Said that he wanted me to come with him to Fry's or Best Buy to pick something up and instead he took me to SeaWorld and we had a really great night. Basically the way I think it is is he's clueless till I get pissed off enough to yell at him and then he figures it out and makes up for it. Be nice if he could just *do* it without the yelling but at this point I'll take what I can get.

Apparently we're going to DisneyLand this weekend, Chris decided this last night while we were at SeaWorld. He's expecting a huge paycheck and wants to spend I think all of it on completely useless things that we don't need, except a computer monitor, that I will grant him he does need. Although not a 22in flat panel HD wide screen monitor, I don't think he needs one that spiffy.

But if we go (it's not totally set in stone for Disney yet) it will be nice, you know get out of town for a couple of days. Just a little mini vacation. Although I loathe to think about what the crowds will be like.....even SeaWorld was a bit crowded, not too bad for a summer night but still a lot more people than during the winter. It's hard to believe that I haven't been to Disney (well, Disney world) in over a year. When me and Chris had season passes we used to go almost every month. It was great since my grandparents lived so close by we didn't have to get a hotel or anything, we'd just drive up there go for a couple of days and then head home, we only really needed money for gas.

I got my dates wrong for the Harry Potter book release, it's *next* Friday, not this Friday. That's kind of depressing, but I'm dealing. Hopefully we'll go see the movie this weekend (whether we go to Disney or not). Before all the Disney talk we were talking about doing a nice 'date' night, go see the movie and then have dinner at OutBack at the mall.

Alright, I guess that's it for now, I'm been promising myself I'd go to the beach today but I'm really just not feeling like going that far, I might just spend the day at the pool instead.

I feel Better Now...

2007-07-11T21:02:56Z

See, I made my LJ all pretty and stuff. Don't know why I didn't do it earlier guess I kind of forgot I could. The more I think about it the more I think I really should use this thing more, don't know why but I do. Kind of wish I could upgrade, maybe if I spent actual money on it I might use it a bit more.

Spent all day yesterday cleaning, not really sure why, place already looks messy again (oh, the joys of living in a studio). I was supposed to do laundry today, but some how I just don't feel like it. Maybe I'll do it after Chris comes home with the car so I don't have to carry it down to the coin laundry.

I reserved my copy of the new Harry Potter book yesterday. The bookstore is having a huge party the night before, I was thinking about going and then Chris gave me shit about wanting to go to a party filled with 7-10 year olds (although it's not like we'll be doing anything else that night).

Chris called a little while ago and said he was sorry for last night (I can't help but wonder if he actually meant it though). The thing is he always says really fucked up shit and then says he's sorry about it later. I would think if he was really as sorry as he says he is then maybe he would stop talking shit. It's always the same, he says something that I can't imagine that he doesn't know would upset me and then gets angry when I get upset.

Fucking men.....

Hopefully we'll be getting cable soon, Chris wants to have it installed with the next paycheck. I think we should wait, our apartment manager Melissa is doing everything she can to get us evicted (literally for no reason other than we're young and don't have screaming children). She gave us a noise violation for two nights we weren't even outside. When we asked her to remove them for that reason she gave us a whole bunch of shit about how she wasn't going to do it again. Yeah, because it's fair that we're getting noise violations for nights when we're quietly watching movies or when we're fucking *SLEEPING* (yes that's right, she gave us a noise violation for a night when we were asleep, apparently sleeping is just that noisy).

So because of all this, we're expecting to have to move when our lease is up. Which we can afford but barely (in the sense that we have to save every penny from now till then). Money wise it would be best if we could stay here for another 6 months or even a year, just till we can get all our debt paid off. By then we would want to move anyway, this studio is starting to get a little cramped.

Alright, I'm hungry, I'm going to go make me somethings to eat.

......Hello? ::echo echo echo::

2007-07-11T19:03:35Z

Yeah......I guess it's been a while......I think 10 weeks by my little LJ timer thingy....Italy was fun, got a lot of photos, my neighbor let me borrow his nice digital camera (I so want one now). Still trying to find a job...still answering every want ad that I can find, still having zero luck.

Chris and I got into another fight last night. I've been trying to get him to live healthier (no I haven't asked him to stop smoking, just trying to get him to eat good food, sleep better and get a little exercise). He's acting like I'm trying to force him to eat poison or something. The thing is he's always tired, and I mean *ALWAYS*. He's not even wake most days for longer than 14 hours. He gets up, goes to work, comes home, eats (maybe), bugs me for sex and then falls asleep maybe an hour or two (if I'm lucky) after he walks through the door. 90% of what he eats is fast food since he's on the road all day (which is not only unhealthy but expensive too). He's even put on several pounds (not saying that he doesn't need a few extra pounds but it's all bad fat he's adding). He's refusing to even TRY anything that might help, says he doesn't care, that he likes sleeping.

To me there's a problem when someone can't even say awake for a full day, when I was in school I was dealing with 18+ hour days all the time and I didn't get nearly as tired as he does.

It's getting to the point where he's breaking every promise he makes to me because he's "too tired" (of course he's never too tired to go out drinking and playing Halo with the neighbors, some how he always finds energy for that).

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care enough about me to take care of himself (however selfish that sounds it's true).

Out of the Office

2007-04-30T05:01:52Z

Went to Italy be back soon!!

♥E

Hey, Help Me Out and Pass this Along!!!

2007-03-31T04:56:48Z

SMASHBOX MODEL SEARCH 2007

Love Always,
~E~

Insomnia Sucks

2007-01-31T15:27:13Z

Sooooooo......

It's almost 7:30am I've been up since about 3:45am and I didn't fall asleep til almost 1am meaning I have had very little sleep. So it would seem that even though I had been quite rudely awakened before the hour of 4am by a schizophrenic kitten that will be ritually murdered as the quickly coming dawn approaches (Chris is asleep and kitten murder is loud and I don't want to wake him), despite this awaking you'd think due to the shortage of sleep (not only on this night but several {by several I mean like 3 weeks} others leading up to it) that I would be able to fall asleep with out too much trouble.

Hell Mother Fucking No, I can't. Which seems to be becoming a more common occurrence than I think my mental heath can really afford at this juncture in my life.

That and I'm fucking hungry.....I hate being fucking hungry and not being able to sleep, it's like God saying 'Fuck you' in the worst way possible. And it's not like I'm on the verge of death which solves both the sleep issue and the hunger issue. I hate being hungry. I hate not being able to sleep, like once in a while is ok but 3 MOTHER FUCKING WEEKS?!?!?! I'm gonna kill something if I don't start sleeping right, I mean fuck even my cats are asleep right now.

Fuck this shit if I have to be awake and hungry I'm fucking making pancakes.

Hmmmm...Survived that with less Blood Loss than I thought I would

2007-01-25T20:05:02Z

I was trimming the cat's claws if you were wondering if your not....then stop reading cuz that's all this is probably gonna be about.

Anyway, so yeah, the reason for said trimming is actually because of blood loss from last night (dont you just love the fact that you have to get insanely strached in order to prevent future straches?) Fayte got spooked and took off and gave me a pretty good one so I figured it was time for a trimming.

Although this time I think I've figured out the secret to trimming my cats. I started with Fayte, cuz I was only going to do her since Gaffers has much better control over his claws....or at least doesn't deploy them every second of everyday. The trick to her seems to be paitence. For some reason she thinks going completely catatonic will make me stop (I guess like playing possum or something) So then I can trim pretty easily for a few secnds but as soon as she realizes what she's dong is actually helpful to me she stops and starts fighting. But she's small and weak and pretty easy to deal with, I just pick her up and lay her on her back again and she goes catatonic again. And the cycle repeats until she's all done, maybe five minutes.

Gaffer's on the other hand has no intention of being that easy......And he was such a cute kitten......

Anyway, he just fights...he'll accept his fate for a few seconds when I can trim and then it's all out war again and again and again. He's skinny but it's all muscle so he's a strong little fucker. And he doesn't like having his claws trimmed, he actually strached me worse than she did. Mostly because I was afraid to hold him to tight or hurt him, so it was more of a patience game, wait for the fight to die then trim then fight, then acceptance again and then more trimming and the cycle goes on.

And of course the fur was flying so now my allgeries are acting up, but it's pretty outside so I think I'm gonna go shower and enjoy it before that godforsaken fucking damned cold front comes in this weekend.

Love All of You Always^~

Why Do I only Write these things when I'm bored?

2007-01-21T23:48:55Z

So yeah, I'm bored, very very bored. I didn't sleep very well last night so I didn't get up very early. Then Chris came home and said that he was pretty much done working for the day and that I needed to get in the shower cuz we were going to SeaWorld which was really great cuz I haven't really gone any where in a while but he hurt his knee a while ago so we only stayed about an hour and now he's asleep so once again I'm horrifficly bored off my ass. I can't even really do anything here cuz it'll wake him up, so this sux.....BIG time ;.;

Woot, I got a New Website^^

2007-01-07T21:38:32Z

It's for my modeling and still MAJORLY under construction, but check back often and I'll have the new stuff up as soon as I can,

ElizabethMichele.com

I also got a new email to go with this new website:

elizabeth.michele@gmail.com

Enjoy^^
~K~

Hehe...I still live^^

2006-12-04T04:03:15Z

Wow, it's been for ever since I've posted here, I think the last one was July..... Well I've been busy....and posting mostly on myspace (myspace.com/foreverfallingangel) if your interested. Anyway, yesterday was my 21st birthday. I had a lot of fun, and yes I remeber it all, I didn't get that drunk, but there was drinking. Anyway, I've said this a million times, but I'm gonna start writing more in here, it's kinda hard cuz we don't have internet at this apartment (yeah BTW I moved home to San Diego, in October^^ you know just FYI) Gotta run, still haven't had dinner.

....I'm at bored how's that for a subject?

2006-07-07T21:40:52Z

BORED!!!! Oh Well, I'm leaving in a little while for some grand new adventure...well maybe not grand.....ok maybe not even an adventure but whatever.

So yeah...the Ex calls me last night, I was on the phone with my aunt and I saw someone was trying to call through, so I told her I'd call her back and when I clicked over and said hello this guy on the other end says I'm calling to make arrangements and I'm like what the hell? Who is this? And he was like, this is Chris. Needless to say I was shocked, he's been such a little pussy about this whole thing I couldn't believe he'd finally gotten the balls up to call me. So I was like oh, and he was like you deleted me from your phone? I told him of course I did. (And no don't worry I won't put a word by word explanation of what happened in here) So he asks me whats left and I tell him a lot of shit and then I ask if he wants the bed and dressers and he's like no. When I told him I wanted it in writing I thought his head was going to explode, I told him after all the shit that he'd pulled in this last month (yes, it's been one month to the day that he pulled that shit and left when he called) that I didn't trust him anymore about anything.

So he said that he would call me on Monday and let me know when he was coming and what not and then he said that he wanted the xbox 360 and that he would give me a check for $75, I have $300 invested in that thing and I told him so, so he said fine pay me $350 for it and you can keep it. I said fine, then he actually gave me some shit about the check bouncing and the hell he would raise I told him to shut the fuck up right there.

I asked him if he'd read the blog I wrote on myspace.com and he said no, which I think is a lie (otherwise why would he be calling me in the first place) but I told him that he should that he would find it very interesting. Then I asked him Why, why he did it, why any of it. He never answered me, I then proceeded to call him on everything he's done to me lately. I dunno, maybe I said to much, but I don't really care. Just because I don't say it doesn't mean it isn't still true and still something that's he's going to have to deal with anyway.

I told him that there was nothing he could do to make me stop loving him but that he had come really close. Most times I really wish I could just stop loving him. Make things less complicated and less hurtful. Even though I'm done with him, the shit he pulls still hurts me. But there's nothing I can do about that I guess. He's made his choice and I'll probably never know why he did what he did, Rina thinks that he doesn't even know why he did it. Maybe that's an answer I'll never have, it's one that I want more than anything though. Afterward, I didn't even feel human, I felt like shit, like an object like I didn't matter to anyone what so ever. Here is this guy that I've spent the last 3 years of my life with and he doesn't even give a damn about me, doesn't think that I'm worth anything. I dunno, I guess shit like this just really fucks with your head. I told him that too, that he was the one who did it but I was the one who had to live with it, he does too but it's not the same. And that's something he's just to immature to understand that his actions have unimaginable consequences. But again, whatever, it's not something he'll ever understand, especially if he keeps going the way he is.

So enough about that I guess, I went out to dinner with Ken again, we went to this really great little Asian place called Mr. Mee's, I LOVE LOVE LOVE their food. Their chicken fried rice is the absolute best. He's a really sweet, wonderful guy, cute too but I dunno. My mind still wanders to Troy every now and then.

Anyway, I've got a couple of things to take care of, so I guess this is it for now.

A weekend, the 4th and sleep... finially...

2006-07-05T18:55:52Z

So much, so much, well to begin, I'm not even gonna start as to why (I'll give you two guesses you should only need one though) I got totally drunk off my ass Thursday night. Believe me I needed it. I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to people, even though I have no idea what they said. I know I talked to Carina, I always talk to Carina when I'm drunk, it's like some strange kind of drunk ritual. I spent a lot of time talk to this really hot guy named Troy that I met on myspace. Still don't know what I said though, oh well, it couldn't have been that bad.

So on Friday I went to hang out with my roommate's ex g/f which turned out pretty good, we talked and then had dinner. But I was kinda sick from the hang over and since I still wasn't sleeping then I was just exhausted. So After dinner I kinda had to call it quits and I went home, of course the second I get home I wasn't tired anymore, but I guess that's life. So I called Troy after like an hour of just being bored off my ass and getting all depressed. He was a little drunk cuz he was out with his friends and he said that I should come visit him for the weekend. For some reason, I didn't think that it was a bad idea, he told me to sleep on it and that he'd give me a call later. I fell asleep and he got to drunk to remember so it all worked out^^ The next morning I still didn't think it was a bad idea and realized I was going crazy.

So I got a hold of him that after noon and drove up to see him. Yeah, I know, I could have been killed, and what not, Rina already read me the right act about it. But it all turned out for the best, I had so much fun. Lots of Fun...and that's all I'm gonna say^~ So I ended up coming home on Monday cuz of some shit that I'm not gonna get into, and on my way I stopped to see my girl Amanda in Tampa and her sister too. We all met up at McDonald's and just chilled and swapped current guy bull-shit stories and made the decision that guys sux^^ After that I had to stop at the mall on my way home cuz none of my clothes fit anymore cuz of all the weight I've lost, so I had to get a new pair of jeans (I'm down to a size 3), so I ended up spending like $200^^ I guess that's just me for ya.

Anyway, while walking around the mall I ran into a guy I know from class (Ken), he was at work so I just hung around and talked with him for a little while. I was going to go to dinner with him when he got off but I start feeling really sick, like I was going to pass out or throw up or something. So I told him that I really needed to just go home (Troy was getting over a cold when I was with him and I think I caught it ;.;). He asked what I was doing for the 4th (which was the next day) and I told him nothing, that I didn't know anyone and so I wasn't really going to do anything, he said that I should hang out with him. So I did, I went over to his place and his roommate cooked dinner (he's an awesome cook, like dinner was great). And then we went a got a shit load of fireworks and the four of us (his roommate's g/f, Angel was there too). It was so much fun, we melted a fence kinda sorta not really on accident^^
I was getting really sleepy and I still wanted to hit Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff that I needed because I didn't want to have to go out again today (my bathroom is a complete and total disaster and I needed some cleaning stuff...and I also got a totally fucking HOT poster of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for my room...::drools::).

And I guess that's about the end of what I've done so here's the sleep part. When I got back Monday night from seeing Troy and Amanda and talking to Ken and everything, I got on myspace, and wrote this really long blog and bulletin to Chris (well the blog was to chris, the bulletin was just to everyone) Just basically telling him that I wasn't going to put up with his bull shit anymore, his childish attitude, malicious behavior and everything else. I just went off and said everything that I was feeling and that needed to be said and whatnot. I just kept going and going and I feel fine. Even though I know this is going to piss him off more than anything, which yes it does bother me but at the same time it doesn't. If he's going to get mad at me for going on and LIVING MY OWN FUCKING LIFE then to hell with him.

This was his choice and now he has to live with it. Since then, I've been able to kinda actually sleep. I slept for ever last night, I didn't get up til almost 1:30pm, I didn't go to bed until like 4am but still, I haven't been able to sleep that in a month. I dunno, I feel ok about things now, like every thing's fine (well maybe not perfect, but still good). It's amazing, like before I thought that I was going to be completely screwed because I didn't know anyone and now I kinda see that it wasn't that I'm not good at making friends it was more that I didn't want to make chris angry or jealous. Now that he's out of the picture I've had more of a social life in the last like 2 weeks then I did in almost 3 years with him. Well, I guess that's probably all I can say for now, I'm sure I'll probably think of more later and I'll have to do another entry^^ But things are good and getting better and I feel good, for the first time I feel good and that is so amazing to me...

...Plus Star Trek is on in a couple of mintues^~

God give me strength.....

2006-06-29T09:10:50Z

Why do the people we love always hurt us the most? Is it because we love them that makes every cruel action that much worse? Is it the broken promises? The fact that those we love swear with their souls to never hurt us? Is it because they’re the last people we expect would ever hurt us?

At what point are we allowed to say ‘That’s enough! You’ve done enough to hurt me, now as someone I love and who loves me, you need to help me regardless of how hard it may be for you…” Where is that line? I know it exists…It has too, otherwise there would be no compassion in the world. Love wouldn’t be able to exist and I know it does.

But the pain….the pain never leaves, I can distract myself for a time but it’s still there, it’ll always be there. I can get angry, I can cry and cry and beg God for something to help me but the pain stays.

And it will always stay….until the one that hurts us stops…

…If he stops…

Of course, then there’s God himself…why does he give such happiness only to take it away in the most malicious of ways. Sometimes I wonder if God’s just a kid with a magnifying glass and we’re all in his ant farm on a bright sunny day. It seems those who are ignored are better off than those who get his attention.

Am I bad person because I don’t go to church? Because I lived and slept with the man I love? Because I take birth control and wear tank tops? I try to be good, I try to do what I think is best and what feels right, I try to do the right thing and I think I do a pretty good job. I don’t steal, I don’t kill and I don’t lie, I truly believe that I am not a bad person, that I’m doing the best that I can and that I’ve done fairly well.

I don’t believe I deserve this pain, I don’t want it anymore, I want to feel normal. I want to be able to sleep again. I want to be able to eat an actual meal without getting sick to my stomach. I want to be able to make it through a whole day without crying one single tear….I want to be happy again…

….I want my life back…

I need it back, I need something to make the nights worth living through and the days worth enduring. Something to get me out of bed, to help me sleep, something to make me feel like I’m actually worth allowing to live because right now I don’t have that. I go through my days praying that some stupid snowbird or drunk high school students will finish everything, just one missed red light and everything is fine….I wish I could do it myself but I can’t….I’m too afraid….hope is a terrible thing, it tears at the soul and makes life unlivable. Hope when there is none, that damn fucking dream that never dies no matter how many times you try and kill it…it just never dies…it makes me sick and kills me more and more everyday…

When will this end….will it end? Will I find a way out of this….is there even one to find…

Freedom...FINIALLY!!!!

2006-06-22T15:07:15Z

Guys sux, and I'm not gonna bother with them anymore, especially one in particular. Well.....MOSTLY not bother with them^~ If you can't tell I'm feeling much better, MUCH MUCH better. I just woke up yesterday so angry at this whole thing and at Chris and I was just like fuck him, he can go to hell for all I care. If he wants to destroy his life and his mom wants to help him do it then he's more than welcome, I just want him the fuck outta my life forever. I slept a little better last night, still not really getting like a full night or anything but at least now I'm like actually sleeping, you know getting rest, not just unconscious. I'm still kinda tired right now though, I'm thinking of lying down and seeing if I can catch a few more winks, or I might just go out and lay bu the pool for a while, that sounds really nice right about now...Anyway, I dunno, I really felt like writing some thing when I started this and now I really kinda don't...maybe I'll add more later or something....

Well, Well, Well....

2006-06-20T00:01:44Z

Dear God, Where do I start? Or should I? I guess the easiest way is just the simplest, my boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me last Wednesday. Actually to say that he broke up with me is mild and doesn't explain what happened at all. While I won't go into what happened (it's to personal to share with the 6.5 billion people on the internet), but a week ago last Friday after something had happened (not going to say) he told me that he needed some time to think and was going to stay at his Mom's for the weekend, I begged him not to go but he said he needed to think. So I asked him if he could come back Saturday instead, he promised he would and that he would call if he was going to be late. I spent all Friday and Saturday freaking out over what happened while waiting for him to come back. He never did, and he didn't come home the next day either, or the next or the next and so on. I had to beg him just to send me a text message saying that he was ok, he'd left his mom's and refused to tell anyone where he was, not even her. He refused to talk to me, to explain what was going on, what had happened or even why. I was completely losing it because I had no clue about anything, and of course I'm thinking the worst. I figured he'd gone to his old best friend from high school. Now not that this guy is a bad guy but he drinks and smokes pot laced with shit, takes what ever pills he can get and has no problem driving drunk and stoned. Last year he crashed into some old woman while stoned and totaled his parents car. I think I had good reason to be worried. On top of that he's really immature, he wants everything to be like it was in high school, so I don't think that he was very happy about Chris being with me and going to college and actually DOING something with his life. I was afraid that if he was there, all he was doing was drinking and smoking and getting bad advice...I was right. So now Chris is moving in with him permanently and is dropping out of school (he says he's just going to transfer but I don't believe it). I told his Mother everything that happened, which had to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, I hoped that she would be able to convince him to come back, I don't mean get back with me just come back so he could be close to her because he needs her support. She said he wasn't even listening to her, which just sent alarms ringing in my head like crazy, everything she said just sent off more alarms. I told her she had to get him out of there or he was going to destroy himself, she said she would do everything she could. The next day I found out that there was nothing she could do, he was going to stay up there. Hearing that killed me inside, even after everything that happened I still love him and I dont want him to be doing this to himself. Even though he had told me that he wanted to stay friends he told her that he wanted nothing to do with me any more and I know it's because I told her the truth about what really happened. He'd been lieing to everyone about it, so everyone thought he was ok, so no one thought what he was doing was wrong. But his Mom knows the truth so at least someone knows the truth that he's just running away, trying to hide from himself and what he's done. I guess all I can do is hope that eventually he snaps out of it and figures out that he can't run from it, that he has to face it at some point. The only problem is I don't think he will. There's more but I can't go into it anymore. This whole thing has been such a drain on me, It's been a week and a half since he left and I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night, not even all at once usually, and today is only the third time I've eaten. I've lost so much weight, I'm down to like 115 and I'm like 5'6" or 5'7", I haven't weighed this little since before high school. I know it's bad for me and I'm not trying to do it on purpose, I just haven't even been hungry. Well, I'm tired and I've got some work to do and I don't feel like I can talk about this anymore...

If only all the world really were a stage and the people merely players....

2006-05-23T15:55:52Z

I think Shakespeare was more right than he probably meant to be when he wrote that.

People rarely if ever actually show their true personalities even to themselves.

How long have people gone on lieing to themselves about one thing or their personality as a whole?

Do people I know do it, hell do I do it?

And at what point does it no longer become a lie, can you really change your inborn personality by suppressing it for long enough?

And what effect does that have on the soul?

When does trying to improve those little negative traits that everyone is inevitably born with turn out into a type of full blown personality homicide?

And what of friends and family, are they too guilty of this murder?

The parent that pushes their kid too hard; the pressure closing in always closing in until the pressure becomes to much and they crack and shatter into pieces.

And the friend that pulls them back from the edge that changes the mirror image they see of themselves into something beautiful and worthy of everything they thought they couldn't have.

Are they murders too?

Or is it even murder, can you kill something that has no form, some thing as plastic and ever changing as a personality?

Can it be that change is what enables a personality to show its true form, what ever that maybe?

Is it right or wrong, or can we even make that judgment?

Since I'm graduating, I've been doing all sorts of thinking, about who I am, the whole why I'm doing everything I'm doing, If I could go back would I do anything different?

I don't know, and part of me wished I never have to make that choice.

Would you?

Would you go back and change all the things that you don't like, expecting everything to turn out better but knowing that in all likely you would lose everything that you have from then til now.

Would it be worth it?

Would I give up everything that I have now and everyone I love to go back in time and change the very things that brought me to them?

I don't know if I could make that choice...sometimes I wonder if that makes me immature, that making any decision that would change my life terrifies me to the point were I just don't want to make it.

Since I left Cali when I was 15 all I've wanted to do is go back, go back to my home, go back to my friends, go back to the only time that I know of when I had my father and my mother and we were happy.

But everyone says that you can never go back, and the possibility that it's true keeps me up at night.

What if I go back and nothing changes or even worse if everything changes.

Can I survive that?

Can I survive not doing it?

Or is this all pointless thought rambling that will only lead me back to the truth that at one time or another I am going to have to make that choice: To go, To stay, or To do something completely unknown.

I look around and I see all my friends doing all these different things, having babies, starting new jobs, meeting new people, leaving old and it seems that in every single class everyone is getting married.

It's not that I want these things but it makes me feel as if I've been left behind, that everyone is running away with their lives and here I am graduating college with no real future plans, no idea for what I want to do for a living, just the immaturity of being to scared to sit down and make a choice once and for all.

But what if I make the wrong one?

Or is that even possible?

It just seems like I'm afraid all the time of what's going to happen tomorrow, in what ways will my life be changed forever.

When I was a child I went to sleep and in the morning my father was dead, then one day many years later my mother was married and another day I was thrown out, another day I was sitting on the steps having a cig with my roomate and I met the love of my life and yet even one more day he almost died.

Everyday scares me for what might happen, and yet there also seems to be that chance of something good.

Before, in high school, I was so sure of the bad happening everyday that I don't think I ever saw any good and because of that the world seemed as though it would fall in and crush me.

Anyway my shift is over and I'm hungry, til another day...

p.s. Carina this formatting is for you...

.....I dun like subjects when I really have nothing to say...

2006-05-15T13:41:20Z

Although I would have to agree that that begs the question: Why am I writing this then? Well, I dunno, I'm at work it's very early, and once again I'm very tired. I've also learned a very good lesson over the weekend: Merlot gets me drunk...especially when I drink most of the bottle by my self and even more so when I've already had a couple of beers before hand. And also, I get way too chatty when I have drank said bottle of Merlot. Anyway, as I said I'm very bored, and people in this school are stupid, and I mean really stupid. They can't even work the copy machine, IT'S A FUCKING COPY MACHINE!!!! U HIT ONE BUTTON AND IT MAKES A COPY OF SOMETHING!!! But I digress...I bought a new diamond ring a couple of weeks ago, kind of a little graduation present to myself. But I can't let my grandparents find out or they'll probably get kinda pissed, they basic told me I wasn't ALLOWED to go shopping with MY graduation money, which really didn't piss me off until literally this second when I saw it in all big letters...but anyway, it's really pretty and sparkle-ly and in my defense I didn't go out to buy another diamond ring...it just turned out that way^^ But again I digress from my drunken weekend escapades. Well, I guess I really don't have much else to say about it, I mean I was drunk, what more do you want? Anyway, I think I'm done, so, I shall see you all again soon, or not really since I like never see any one any more...or something...I dunno...oh, well...Later..... or some junk

I'm Tried..I'm cold... and it's raining....

2006-05-09T14:49:59Z

Well, it is a very early tuesday morning. Well at least I started it at a very early time. The spiffy new schedule at work mandates that I do the wide eyed and bushy tail thing every morning promptly at 8-FREAKING-AM!!!! Which means that I have to get up while it's still the 6o'clock hour. T^hat sort of thing makes me mildly angry, while I am sort of a morning person, it's really only when I want to be. And of course here in SUNNY SUNNY FLORIDA it's pouring down rain and I forgot my umbrella in the car. And for class this afternoon I have about a 3/4 of a mile walk to my class none of which is under any sort of covering which would keep me dry. And it's not even a class I want to take. My head hurts..I need some pain killers, perhaps I will return, more likely than not I won't, I've only got like an hour left in my shift anyway...